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Volume 3 Issue 4 ISSN# 1708-3265

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Warning: Some readers may find her opinions abrasive, disturbing, or even *gasp* offensive!

Should you be considering a career in any of the medical fields, you have to learn the secret language. This allows practitioners to speak to one another without the patient knowing what the hell they are talking about. Sneaky, eh?

Well, not really. You will have invested many years of training, (not to mention several thousands of dollars) to come out at the end with a certificate of "Psychological Godship", and you certainly wouldn't want the poor schmucks who come to worship at your feet to understand your lofty pronouncements, would you?

After all, they just might mistake your carefully-cultivated, perfectly-timed, encouraging comments for sincere compassion and caring, and not realise you are just an ordinary human being earning a (really good) living who doesn't really give a rat's tookus about their problems.

So, with my tongue placed firmly in my cheek, I have dared to interpret the "A to Z's" of the secret language of psychologists…

"AUNTY NASTY'S PSYCHOBABBLE DICTIONARY"
The psychologist's terminology, with plain-English translations

ANOREXIA NERVOSA:

- an unnatural and prolonged aversion to food that causes severe loss of weight.

- "thinly-disguised" behavioural attitude of a person who feels unworthy and/or inadequate in some aspect.

BI-POLAR:

- currently popular term, (replacing "manic-depressive.") Having or showing two opposite principles, sets of values or opinions.

- imaginary compass points on the Earth, both North and South.

CATATONIC:

- a condition associated with schizophrenia, characterised by mental stupor and muscular rigidity.

- a person who is alive physically, but whose mental switch is in the "OFF" position… or a "perk-up potion" for a pet feline.

DYSFUNCTIONAL:

- performing badly or improperly, malfunctioning.

- describes people who, in the jigsaw puzzle of life, tend to put their pieces in "upside-down".

EGOISM:

- the ethical doctrine which asserts that morality lies in the pursuit of individual self-interest, and that self-interest motivates all conduct.

- what a spoilt brat. Can I smack that kid?

FANTASY:

- a picture existing only in the mind, any strange mental image or illusion. Fantasies seem real to a delirious person.

- wait a minute! What about Disneyland? You mean it isn't real?

GESTICULATION:

- the act of making lively or excited gestures to help express an idea or a feeling.

- if you tied their hands down, a thing some people wouldn't be able to talk without doing.

HYDROTHERAPY:

- use of water in a therapeutic healing modality.

- "go jump in the lake" or, "take a long walk off a short pier".
(N.B. Never translate these terms to a client).

IMMEDIACY:

- the condition of being directly present to the consciousness, as distinguished from what is known by inference.

- right now, this very minute!

JUNGIAN:

- one adhering to the philosophies a pioneering hero in the trade; Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

- opposite of "Old one".

KLEPTOMANIA:

- an abnormal, irresistible desire to steal, especially things which one does not need or cannot use.

- another way for movie stars to make the tabloids when their career is on a down-slide.

LOONEYTUNES:

- alternate term for an insane person.
(Never mention this word to a client!)

- beloved old Disney cartoon feature.

MASOCHIST:

- conscious desire to be the victim in any situation.

- the act of chewing your food really well.

MARTYR:

- (sometimes sub-conscious) desire to be the victim in any situation.

- deviation of spelling of the name Martha.

NARCOTISM:

- addiction to the use of narcotics.

- polite term for "dope addiction."

OVERT:

- opposite of covert.

- "it ain't no secret!"

PSYCHOLOGIST:

- extensively trained professional, who listens, diagnoses, and advises clients with behavioural difficulties.

- $150 per hour, 2 month waiting list. (Travel time charged for clients diagnosed as agoraphobic).

PERCEPTIVE:

- ability to recognise specific behavioural difficulties in clients.

- ah yes, I believe you REALLY have a problem. Tell me all about it. (See Psychologist above.)

QUEER:

- archaic terminology for gender confusion.

- strange or unusual.

RECIDIVIST:

- person who refuses to learn from past mistakes.

- you silly bugger, you did it AGAIN, didn't you?

SADIST:

- one who receives gratification or enjoyment by causing/or observing pain of others.

- pre-requisite attribute on resume of torture-chamber operator.

TACTILE EVASION:

- deliberate avoidance of physical contact from another.

- "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!!"

UNRESPONSIVE:

- person who exhibits a lack of response to stimuli.

- she's probably British.

VACILLATING:

- mannerism exhibited by constantly alternating between two or more points of view.

- changes mind constantly. Probably a Libra.

WEIRD:

- unearthly or mysterious.

- uncomplimentary form = "Weirdo"
(Never use this term to refer to a client.)

XENOPHOBIA:

- a hatred or fear of foreigners or strangers.

- polite term for a racist.

YAWN:

- to open the mouth wide because one is sleepy, tired, or bored.

- involuntary physical response to listening to the same old yada-yada-yada (MUST be stifled in front of client)

ZOMBIE:

- a corpse supposedly brought back to a trance-like condition resembling life by a supernatural power.

- husband, after dinner, in front of the TV.

There now, did you find that helpful?
Oh, there is one other really important thing…
Make sure you have an UNLISTED home phone number, or the idiots will bug you at all hours of the night!

Ms. Blackwitt is a noted psychologist who specialises in dysfunctional behavioural and abnormal sociological interaction. Her column features insightful commentaries on familial relationships, as viewed from her unique perspective.

Affectionately known as 'Aunty Nasty', amongst her many honours and awards are a Ph. D in 'Mammalian Excretement Dispersal' and a Degree of Familiarity with The Ministry of Human Remains and Dysfunctional Families.

Ms.Blackwitt also served in the Armed Forces on a 6-year tour of duty as a Diplomatic Peace-Keeper in Washington, D.C., during which time she rose to the top of her team, quickly attaining the exalted rank of Private, and was subsequently transferred to Bikini Atoll, (with undisclosed rank) where she gained extensive hands-on experience in Mammalian Excrement.

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