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Volume 1 Issue 1 ISSN# 1708-3265

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Aunty Nasty
with Nasturtium Blackwitt

Warning: Some readers may find her opinions abrasive, disturbing, or even offensive!

In my profession, "Opening" is always the first step, followed by "spill your guts". Before the advent of specialists such as myself, troubled people usually chose one of the following layperson options. Unfortunately, each has an obviously inherent downside.

There's the Taxi-Driver, the Bartender, and the Well-Meaning Friend. Of course, there is the religious aspect available too, but it does seem from all the bad press lately many religious counsellors have had their hands full (you should pardon the pun) with other, more secular things. So let's leave them alone.

O.K., let's explore the Taxi-Driver option:

They drive, and they appear to listen while you pour out your woes. But do they care? Hardly. The biggest problem here is, your story is so darned boring it puts you to sleep; during which time they will keep circling the block, (meter running of course), until you finally wake up. Yes, you've told your story, and it costs you a bundle, but honestly, do you really think they give a hoot? Not a chance. You've just been taken for a ride. Literally.

Then there's the Bartender:

They certainly appear to listen, but the disadvantages of their very craft mean they have to be constantly darting away to serve other customers, often missing the salient points of your tale of woe. And you just maybe could get so plastered in the process you might forget to tell them some of the most important elements of your misery, (not to mention the horrible hangover you might have on the morning after!)

So now we're up to to the Well-Meaning Friend:

Oh boy. They better be a really good friend to put up with being totally attentive to your whining and snivelling. And darn it all, they've always got troubles of their own, and they are so inconsiderate because they keep butting in, trying to top your story with one of their own. They just don't know when to shut up. After all, you are the one in such terrible distress!

This leaves the only remaining option, making an appointment with a trained professional such as myself. At only $150.00 per hour, or part thereof, I offer the most satisfying service you can possibly imagine - guaranteed. (Of course, the very best investment you can make for your optimum emotional health is a three-hour session).

Visualize this: You get to have my absolutely undivided attention, with ooohs, aaahs, and 'there there's' in all the right places. I never interrupt your tale of woe, because I really appreciate every aspect of your emotional turmoil and misery. I always have tissues at the ready, and will encourage you to vent to your heart's desire. We will have the finest pity-party you could ever want. And, should you wish, (at no additional charge), we will even tape-record your whole session. This way you can listen to yourself over and over and over, ad nauseum.

So, go ahead, open up and spill your guts to the ear of your choice; but remember, when it comes to your mental well-being, never settle for second-best. See a professional. After all ~ you're most definitely worth it! Remember, Aunty Nasty said so!

It has been an honour to be included in "Opening", the premiere issue of Timeless Spirit Magazine. It's rather like being present at a birth of a new entity, with a fresh, pure mind, unsullied by dysfunction or negative thoughts and unhealthy familial patterns. As you are aware, usually by the time I am consulted the client is not in a healthy state of mind.

I leave you with some of my sage advice, garnered over many years of dealing with idiots and weirdos. Just possibly the three most important things I have learned, I will now pass on to you.

  • Remember to put in the plug before filling the bathtub.
  • Trust your Grandmother. The older you get, the smarter she is.
  • Keep your mind open, but not so open your brains fall out.

Ms. Nasturtium Blackwitt (affectionately known as "Aunty Nasty"), is a noted psychologist who specialises in dysfunctional behavioural and sociological interaction. Her column features insightful commentaries on familial relationships, as viewed from her unique perspective.

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