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A Spiritually Enlightening Online Magazine. Sept. Theme: "Sexuality" Volume 1 Issue 6 ISSN# 1708-3265

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Aunty Nasty
with Nasturtium Blackwitt PhD. M.E.D., F.D. (Min. H.R.D.F.), Pr. Dip. P.K.C.

Warning: Some readers may find her opinions abrasive, disturbing, or even offensive!

One of the more fascinating aspects of the human psyche is the sadly obvious connection between a man's sense of self and his ability to attain and maintain an erection.

Erectile Dysfunction is the medically correct terminology for the problem some men have, or their women think they have, when the lack of conjugal relations becomes an issue.

Savvy marketing strategies by the Pharmaceutical Industry exploit this masculine foible by subtle, and sometimes no so subtle, television commercials for drugs which promise to effectively remedy this enormous problem.

First there was Product A. In one commercial we were shown a number of office encounters where the staff all knew there was something different (and better) about the star employee. Comments ranged all the way from "Did you have a haircut?" and "Are you wearing a new suit?" through to "Did you just come back from a vacation?" Of course our forty-something executive merely smiles and walks on, eventually being seen going off arm-in-arm with his obviously very happy and loving wife.

Yet another Product A commercial shows many laughing men of different ages and races, joyfully dancing in the streets, while "We are the champions" is being sung in the background. Please note the Postal Carrier, who is so pumped he's breaking the law by hauling out handfuls of letters from his mail sack and tossing them into the air, willy-nilly!

Predictably, soon there's competition in the marketplace (hey, we're onto a good thing here, right?) and the next competitor Product B, angling for a different 'hook', relies on the allusion to athletic prowess - and the symbolism of repetitively throwing a football through the middle of a tire swing. The shot going into the hole every time is a blatantly obvious sexual reference.

And that's not the end of the story just yet. There's a third contender for the big bucks to be made on this bandwagon. Product C whose brand name, phonetically pronounced, sounds like See Alice. Is this some kind of subliminal code word, I wonder? Sounds like the creation of a weird scientist who read Lewis Carroll's "Through the Looking Glass" one too many times - or watched too many TV cartoon characters - "you take the magic pill, say the magic word, and kapow! your wish comes true!"

Product C advertises the potential of "a 36-hour window of use" - "you get to decide when". Effectively "erection on demand". But the accompanying disclaimer brings to mind visions of horror stories, particularly the last admonition… "any erection lasting over four hours should be regarded as unusual".

I can picture it now - the frantic 911 call:

Operator: "911. What is the nature of your emergency?"
Caller: "Oh help, we need an ambulance at 224 Main Street for my husband George."
Operator: "Yes, Ma'am. What seems to be the problem?"
Caller: "Well, um, he fell off, and I think he's unconscious."
Operator: "He fell off? Off what?"
Caller: "Well, er, ah, we were having sex and he just fell off."
Operator: "Had he taken any medication?"
Caller: "Er, yes, he took a little… Pill."
Operator: "Ma'am, how long were you two having sex before he, er, fell off?"
Caller: "Oh, it's been maaaaarvelouus, it's been about five hours, but now this - I don't know what to do…"
Operator: "Please hold the line one moment Ma'am."

Operator, on other line: "Dispatch, we have another R.M.B.D. emergency call. Send the ambulance over to 224 Main Street."

Operator: "The ambulance is on the way. Ma'am? Are you still there?"
Caller: "Yes, I'm here. What can I do?"
Operator: "Have you tried giving it a good whack with a slipper?"
Caller: "Won't that bruise him terribly?"
Operator: "Honey, if his brain's already gone, the bruising won't bother him a bit."

Emergency-room staff may soon have to deal with R.M.B.D. (Rigid Member Brain Damage) on a daily basis! And Lawyers will have a field day with the loved ones of scores of brain-damaged men, fighting to be first in line to sue the company who made the pill! Of course, on the up side, there could be a sudden rise in slipper sales!

Now we all know the brain, deprived of blood and the oxygen it carries, can suffer severe damage in a very short time. And we all know the blood drains away from the brain to form the erection, hence the term "He's thinking with his little head again" implying a man with an erection cannot think rationally. (Sorry guys, but it's true).

Uncontrollable aggressive male behaviour is widely recognised as a control mechanism - traditionally men were always bigger than women, stronger than women - but, unlike women, had no control over their ability to acquire an erection, whether convenient or not.

But these days women are usurping most of the traditionally male fields - they fight in the ring, they race the cars, they are soldiers, pilots, welders, electricians, long-distance truck drivers, plumbers and even ditch-diggers - all the places which used to be "strictly the men's territory" are being invaded by women.

Now women can even slip their man a pill and lead him around by the nose (or the handle). Is nothing sacred?

Granted, sex sells. We've seen so many advertising campaigns geared to titillate the libido; we're becoming blasè. But darn it all, I for one am so fed up with a quiet night's TV programs being interrupted by commercials for things I don't even want to know about.

Do I care about the 'wings' on panty-liners? No, not really.
Do I need to know brand X Tampons absorb width-ways? Absolutely not!
Does it make a difference to me where you stick your contraceptive patch? Hell, NO!
Do I give a rat's tookus about some fellow's erectile dysfunction? Nuh uh.

If he's in the office, paying me by the hour as his Psychologist to care about his problem - then, quite frankly, that's a totally different story. I can be clinically objective behind my desk about this sort of thing, but on my own time - I don't really want to know about droopy dicks, thank you very much.

Ms. Blackwitt is a noted psychologist who specialises in dysfunctional behavioural and abnormal sociological interaction. Her column features insightful commentaries on familial relationships, as viewed from her unique perspective.

Affectionately known as 'Aunty Nasty', amongst her many honours and awards are a Ph. D in 'Mammalian Excretement Dispersal' and a Degree of Familiarity with The Ministry of Human Remains and Dysfunctional Families.

Ms.Blackwitt also served in the Armed Forces on a 6-year tour of duty as a Diplomatic Peace-Keeper in Washington, D.C., during which time she rose to the top of her team, quickly attaining the exalted rank of Private, and was subsequently transferred to Bikini Atoll, (with undisclosed rank) where she gained extensive hands-on experience in Mammalian Excrement.

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