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A Spiritually Enlightening Online Magazine. September's Theme: "Relationships"
Volume 4 Issue 6 ISSN# 1708-3265
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Dial-Up the Girl of My Dreams
by Derek Wilken

OK I will admit it; I was desperate for a date. It had been so long since I had the pleasure of a woman's company I was starting to talk to myself in a feminine voice. I needed a date but with my schedule it was almost impossible to meet anyone. Then one day it came to me in a headline story. People discover love in telephone personals. What could I possibly lose?

I phoned up the company and they informed me all I needed to do was phone in a voice ad which would describe who I was and eligible women could then listen to it. If they wanted to meet with me they would leave an answer in my mailbox. Sounded simple enough and so with this quick explanation I began my decent into hell.

Since I am a comic I thought a funny introduction would speak volumes to my personality. Thus was born the Top 5 reasons to date me. You can add a drumroll if you think it would help.

And the #1 reason to date me…
Second comings are so rare.

Having used up every creative brain cell I had doing this I forgot to check my mailbox to see if anyone had replied to my plea. One night when I was at home I got a call from the dating service asking me to please look at my mailbox and delete the ones I was not interested in. I thought they were kidding, then I dialled up my mailbox. The voice came on and said "You have 220 new messages". I have to tell you I was like a 4 year old at Christmas. Only instead of sugarplums I had other visions in my head.

It took me a week but I finally replied to every single woman who inquired. I spent so much time replying that I didn't have time to go on a date. Finally I said enough is enough and selected 4 to go out on a date with. This was going to be my weekend of love.

The first woman described herself as 5'7" 130 lbs blond and 25 years old. She turned out to be 5'0" 257 lbs and 55 years old. Her first words to me were "Are you surprised?" I am not the kind of guy interested solely in looks so I thought we could go on the date and have some fun. I was wrong. She pounded back the rye and coke like there was no tomorrow, ate a huge meal and then threw-up in my formerly mint condition VW Beetle. At the door of her apartment she wrestled with me to take her to bed. Thank God for hand to hand combat training or I would have lost, in so many ways.

Date 2 was a no show. We agreed to meet in a public place and after waiting for 2 hours (I am a hopeless romantic) I headed back home. Once I was inside the phone rang and it was my lost date. She said she watched me waiting for her and was so happy to see me suffer. She had been stood up before and was getting an awful lot of pleasure in returning the favour to me. I'm glad someone had fun.

Date 3 was looking for a husband. No that is not quite accurate. She was looking for a father. I figured this out when she brought her 3 kids to the date. I love children, but this was so weird. She kept asking the children if they "liked" me and then would answer "I like him" through the children. She never actually talked to me. The date ended when the 2 year old had an accident in my now not any where near mint condition VW Beetle.

I was really anxious about date 4. What could this hold for me? To my surprise she was beautiful, funny and we had an incredible time. We spent most of the night enjoying a great meal and took a short walk in a very fun section of the city. It was such a relief after the past few dates. We opened up so much that she even confided with me she had "troubles" which caused her to be hospitalized earlier in the year. It was all very touching and we left with the promise of more to come.

I couldn't get her out of my mind and she seemed to feel the same way because she called me the next morning, and afternoon and twice in the evening. She started calling me every minute of the day it seemed. I was losing some of the bloom for the relationship and asked her to please stop calling me. I then had to yell at her to stop calling me. But she wouldn't stop. She called me at the office, at home, at my Mom's house. It was insane and so I finally threatened her to get her to stop calling me.

The next day I was wakened from my dreams of a non psychotic date by a loud knock on the door. It was the Police. Date #4 had taped my threats to her and was charging me with uttering threats. I was taken downtown, processed (which isn't as pleasant as it sounds) and made to wait in a cell with some very unpleasant people for 48 hours until I was put before a judge and released.

After $4000.00 in legal bills and 2 trips to court I was found not guilty. To be exact she was in a "hospital" at the time of the trial and the case was dismissed. Did this episode put me off the telephone dating service?

Of course… how nuts do you think I am? Next time I needed a date I did what every red-blooded male does, phoned my ex-wife and begged her to take me back!

Derek Wilken is a Teacher, Comic and the Creative Dictator of the CHEERS project inc.

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